Last week, I went to a Meetup event in Lisbon. I sat down at a table with two other women and began to chit chat, asking all the usual questions. “Where are you from?” “How long have you been in Lisbon?”
One of the women said she’s been living here for a few months.
“How are you finding living in Lisbon?” I asked her.
“To be honest, it’s been challenging,” she replied.
“What’s been challenging about it?”
“I’m finding it hard to make friends.”
I can completely relate – one of the most difficult things about moving countries is making new friends and finding your community. In my view, it’s also the most important.
Humans are hardwired to seek connection. When we don’t feel like we’re part of a group, we can sometimes feel that our very life is threatened. We need others to survive.
So what happens when you uproot your life, leaving your friends and loved ones to move across the globe?
When I moved to Lisbon, I was fortunate enough to have landed a job with a physical office where I could meet fellow coworkers. Still, I felt like a bit of an outsider at first. I was getting used to a new place, a new job, a new culture, a new language. It was sometimes overwhelming.
About a month after I started my job, a Brazilian woman joined the company. She couldn’t have been in Portugal for more than a couple of months when one day she told me, “If you ever need help with anything at all, just let me know.” I was struck by her sincerity and willingness to help me despite being in the same overwhelming position as I was.
Over the next months, she became my closest friend in Lisbon. Although we also hung out with our other coworkers, I spent the most time with her. A year later, when Covid hit, we created our “Covid bubble” with each other and our partners. I didn’t see many other people outside of that bubble.
And then in the middle of Covid she and her partner decided to move countries again. After they left, I found myself without a close friend in Lisbon and only some acquaintances that I hadn’t spent very much time with. This left me feeling vulnerable and lonely without a community of close friends to call my own. I still had close friends in the U.S. that I spoke with weekly via Zoom, but that couldn’t replace having the physical presence of a good friend to explore with, to hug and laugh and cry with.
I don’t blame my friend for moving away, but I realized the hard way that I needed to invest in more friendships.
As vaccines were rolled out and the seriousness of Covid finally lightened, I reemerged and started to contact those old acquaintances. I had taken for granted how easily it was to become friends with my Brazilian coworker. Most of the time, making close friends takes time and effort.
Now, 6 years after making my first friend in Lisbon, I can happily report that I have a strong community of close friends. They’ve been there to hold me up as I experienced a breakup, a layoff, and a career change. They’ve also made it possible for me to meet other amazing humans, including my current partner.
So, what’s the best way to make friends and build your community after moving to a new country?
First, think about the things that you like to do (or would like to try!). Climbing? Reading books? Playing soccer (er, football)? Singing? Stand up comedy?
Then, type these things into Meetup. Chances are, there’s a group that likes to do the same thing that you like to do. If you can’t find something like this, browse around until something piques your interest. Take the first small step by just choosing an event and signing up to attend.
Ok, so you’ve signed up for an event, and the day of the event has come. Now what do you do?
Remember what you came for – to make friends! But – and this might come as a surprise – keep your expectations low. Don’t expect to leave the event having made a BFF. Just have the intention to meet people, to enjoy the event (because you chose something you like to do!) and see where things go. Maybe you’ll find one person you jibe with. Maybe you’ll exchange numbers. Maybe you’ll meet up again. Maybe you won’t.
Then, text the people you want to meet up with outside of the event. Keep spending time with the people you like. It takes time for friendships to grow.
In my experience, there are a few key things that help friendships (and any relationship, really) to grow.
Ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question typically doesn’t have a one-word answer. These questions often start with “Why” and “How.” For example, “Why did you decide to move to Lisbon?” “How has your experience been so far?” Open-ended questions help us to get to a deeper level with each other, to find things in common, and to share experiences. This in turn will help us to become closer as we really get to know each other and develop friendships.
Be vulnerable. Be willing to open up and share your personal experiences. Did someone just tell you they recently went through a break up? Empathize. Share something about your own personal experience with break ups.
Be consistent and intentional. Keep going to events. I find it helpful to keep going back to the same group’s events because you’ll see the same people over and over and get to know them over time.
I hope this helps you to build your community and to feel more secure in your new home country!
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